Kinda Feels like I'm Dying
by zoekarsh
Summary: April Kepner is a surgeon at Grey Sloan. After suffering from three major losses, she begins to question her faith. She is turning into someone completely opposite of who she was. Will anyone notice the sudden change? Who will help her through it all? Post 14x10.
1. Letting Myself Go

**Hey! So this is my first story on here so I hope y'all like this! Also leave some review and feedback if possible.**

 **Chapter 1 - Letting Myself Go**

The past few weeks has been terrible to say the least. Three patients died on my watch. One of them was Matthew's wife.

Oh god, Matthew.

Where do I even begin with him? I have caused him so much pain and misery. I left him at our wedding. His wife died on my watch. What do I even say to him? Is there anything I can say?

Why did God of all people let this happen? Wasn't he supposed to be on my side? Why did he let this happen? I ponder these thoughts as the cold water washes over me.

As I got out of the shower, I wrapped myself tightly in my towel and stepped out of the bathroom into my room. I analyzed the clothes scattered all over the floor, half which doesn't even belong to me. Vik has been over a couple of nights and he hasn't even bothered to take his clothes with him. I guess that's what I get for sleeping with a messy intern.

I know people will judge me if they ever found out. Sweet April Kepner sleeping with an intern. A very unlike April thing to do. But honestly, fuck all of them. Why is it that when anyone else sleep around with whomever they please, they don't get crap for it, but when I do I immediately get judged? I'm sick of being treated as if I'm a damn punching bag all the time. I may have ignored it before, but I sure as hell won't now.

Everything I have ever believed in turned out to be one big lie and it kinda feels like I'm dying.

* * *

I walked into Grey Sloan feeling tried and dull. Today is not gonna be a good day.

As I walked past the pit, I can feel someone's eyes on me. I turned towards one of the medical beds and saw Vik looking at me with a desire in his eyes. Horny interns. He flashed me a smirk to which I gave a glare back. I may not care if anyone found out about us, but I surely do not need any distractions during work, especially during surgery.

As I turned the corner of a hallway, I saw Jackson talking with Maggie. Oh right, they are a thing aren't they? Maggie said something which has caused Jackson to laugh. I haven't seen him laugh like that in a long time.

Ever since Montana, he has been ignoring me ever since. At first, I actually thought Montana meant something to me. To him. But I guess I was mistaken. All it ever was, was a stupid meaningless one-night stand. I quickly told myself to look away and that his business was none of mines. Not anymore.

After I got changed into my navy blue scrubs, I walked to the OR board. Dr. Webber was standing there, analyzing which surgeries he was in. I quietly stood next to him and looked at the surgeries which I was a part of.

"Fine morning isn't it Kepner?" he said cheerfully while taking a sip of his coffee.

I looked at him with a narrow eye. Since when he is so cheery?

"I guess." I replied while looking over the board.

"Why what's wrong with you?"

He turned to face me with the same narrow eye I gave him.

"Nothing's wrong with me." I said while walking over to get a patient's charts.

"It just seems as if your unhappy about something."

"I'm not unhappy, I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me I have a patient I need to check on."

I quickly walked past him and towards the patient's room. Along the way Vik saw me and walked up next to me.

"What do you want? Didn't I make it clear that were keeping things professional during work? I don't need any more mistakes during surgery."

"Well, Dr. Kepner, I'm on your service today."

I quickly stopped and turned to face him.

"Since when?"

"Since this morning."

"No, I was supposed to have someone else today."

"Well that someone else called in sick." he replied back while taking a step towards me.

I took a step back and gave him a long icy glare. Does he not know what personal space is?

"Fine, but do not intervene with my work, understood?"

"Perfectly."

* * *

"Jenny Yolks, 14, came in two days ago presenting symptoms of abdominal aortic aneurysm, which were pain in the lower and side abdomen, as well as nausea."

As Vik finished with presenting the patient, Meredith and Alex walked in.

"Glad both of you are able to join us, Dr. Grey and Dr. Karev." I said while giving both of them a sharp look. I hate people who are late, especially doctors.

Meredith gave me a confusing look while Alex just shrugged it off.

"Were terribly sorry, traffic was quite heavy." Meredith said apologetically.

"Well that's alright, Dr. Kepner here was just about to tell us what our next steps are." Mrs. Yolks said with a smile.

"Yes, Jenny is going to undergo a simply surgery that will fix the aneurysm." I said with a small smile.

"And after that she is going to be fine?" Mrs. Yolks said with some concern.

It was understandable why she was concerned. All moms would be.

"Yes, she is going to be just fine." I said while smiling at both Jenny and her mom.

"Oh you heard that Jenny? You're going to be just fine." Mrs. Yolks said while giving Jenny a light hug.

"Well, we are going to prep for the surgery and will be back momentarily." I said while closing the charts and motioning everyone to get out.

As I walked to give the charts to the nurse behind the desk, something caught my eye. I saw Matthew talking to a nurse and signing a paper. I felt like I needed to say something to him. I did say something to him a few days ago, but he completely ignored me.

I was about to walk over to him, when he saw me, gave me a cold look, and quickly walked away. I sighed and gave the charts to the nurse.

"You okay Kepner?" Meredith's spoke behind me.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I said while still not facing her.

"Well, you just seem, I don't know, off today."

"And whys that?" I said turning around to look at her and Alex.

"Well, you did go all evil swan at us back in the patient's room." Alex said while signing a chart.

"You guys were late and I would hardly call it going all evil swan on you guys."

"I know, but-"

I didn't let Meredith finish. I'm sick of being all nice and that to everyone. If they deserve to get a little attitude, then they will get one.

"But what? Are you going to say I'm always the sweet and forgiving April who never gives anyone an attitude when they deserve one? Well guess what? Screw that." I replied while storming away.

"Damn, Kepner grew a pair."


	2. New Me

**Happy** **Valentine's** **day my loves! I hope y'all had a great one! Enjoy this chapter!**

 **Chapter 2 - New Me**

* * *

The surgery was a success. Everything went just as planned and Jenny is able to go home in a few days. I know I should be happy, but I'm not. I'm not exactly sure when I started to lose happiness even when doing surgery.

During the surgery however, Meredith and Alex keep giving me looks. Yes, I know I yelled at them, but it's not like they never experienced anything like that before.

I walked out of the OR and Miranda Bailey approached me. I have to admit she may be short and small, but hell she is intimating. No wonder why everyone calls her the Nazi before.

"Kepner, have you found out who the grant goes to yet?" she asked me anxiously.

It was clear she wanted that grant for Meredith. After all they are both in the general surgery department. Once again everything goes to Meredith. I know I sound as if I'm a jealous bitch or something, but truth to be told it is true. It's like she has this easy pass around this hospital. Yes, she did get shit for sleeping with Derek, but she was an intern and he was married.

"Not yet." I said clearly annoyed by the fact that everyone was asking me this damn question. I may be judging this contest, but it's not all me. If you want answers as to when its announced go, ask the group of people running this.

"Well do you know when? Cause it's been weeks and everyone is anxious to know who will win."

I took a deep breath, trying to not snap at the chief standing in front of me.

"Look, I'm not the only one running this thing alright? I do not get to decide when it's going to be announced. I also do not know when it's gonna be announced. If you all are dying to know, why don't you ask the people running this instead? I do not need thirty people coming to be asking the same damn question over and over again." I said harshly while giving her a cold glare.

Everyone was looking at us, well, me in particularly. It's not every day you see someone snap at the Chief.

Dr. Bailey put her hands in the air and took a step back. She had a mix of emotions on her face. Shock was definitely one of them. I wonder if she going to yell back or something.

"Well alright then Kepner." she said while putting her hands back down. She continued to look at me, looking as if there was something wrong with me. I didn't want to make things bad between us, but everyone was getting on my nerves today.

I should apologize, I know I should, but instead I just looked at her and took a deep breath. "Look, I'll announce the results when I get them okay?" I said and then walked away.

I need something to calm and district myself. I need someone.

"Vik!"

He turned around from doing his charts. After seeing it was me, a smile creeped up from his face. Usually I would say something about him smiling at me, but right now I didn't care. I just need a distraction.

I approached him and grabbed his hand, and lead him to the nearest on call room. I pushed him in first and then locked the door behind me. His smiled widened after realizing where this was leading. I would never sleep with someone, especially a god damn intern, during work, but something came over me. I took a few steps towards him and stopped when we were just centimeters apart.

"We are never going to talk about this okay?" He nodded his head and took a step forward. I'm not gonna lie, he is very attractive and also very good distractor. I'm pretty sure he is well aware of this. "This is only a one-time thing and that's it. We are not going to do this at work again." He nodded his head again and then grabbed my waist.

"Good." I crashed my lips onto his and he immediately kissed back. He then proceeded to back me up against the door. I kissed him as hard as I can, letting all the anger and frustration out. God this felt really good. His lips then trailed down my neck. This for sure isn't going to be the last time.

* * *

"Karev, what the hell did you do to Kepner?" Bailey's voice sounded as she approach the trio.

"Did what?" Alex asked confused to say the least. He hasn't seen or talked to April all day, expect the encounter him and Meredith had with her as well as the surgery. Alex knew for a fact that he didn't do anything this time.

"Well, Kepner went all off on me just a few minutes ago." Bailey said while looking at Alex. "And I know how mad and annoyed you can make a person."

It was true, Alex had annoyed April so much during the time they lived at Meredith's house. She always had to clean up after him, saying that he needed to stop leaving all his dirty clothes and dishes around.

"She went off on you too?" Meredith asked, finally interested in the conversation. It was not like April to go off on people so unexpected. April usually say a few things like, "Just be on time" or "Don't do that again" when someone goes wrong. It was very out of character of what she did. "She went off on me too." Meredith added.

"Wait, what?" Jackson was listening the moment Bailey mentioned April. He knew even though they weren't together anymore, he still cared for her. At least that's what he thought.

"I asked her when the winner for the contest was going to be announced and bam, she just went off on me. No one goes off on me."

"I sense something was off with her today and tried asking her about it, but she then started to yell at me."

"Looks like Kepner isn't having such a glorious day." Alex added.

"What's wrong with her?" Jackson questioned everyone whom just shrugged at his question. April had never gone off on anyone, expect on a few rare occasions, but she would never go off on the Chief. He knows that for a fact.

"Aren't you suppose to know? You're the closet to her anyways Avery." That's true. He _had_ been the closet to her. But these couple of months he hasn't exactly been checking in on her or even tried making conversations with her. It just dawn on him that the last real conversation they both shared was in Montana. "Shit, I gotta go." Alex said checking his pager and running towards the stairs.

Jackson felt like the need to talk to her. He wanted to know what's wrong with her or if she's just having a bad day. He felt like he needed to make it up to her for ignoring her for these past few months.

"Do any of you know where-" he trailed off when he saw April walking in while fixing her curly red hair. "April!"

* * *

April had just finished with Vik, which needless to say, felt really good. It felt really good to get all this weight off of her chest, which Vik seemed to be good at doing. After leaving the on call room, she walked towards one of the desks while fixing her hair. She didn't need anyone questioning why her hair was so messy.

April heard someone call her name. That voice awfully sounded familiar and after a moment of realization, she knew it was his voice. The voice which she would always try to forget. The voice which caused her so much pain. She spun around and saw Jackson walking towards her. What was he doing? Did he need a consult or something? Of course he would need a consult. There's no reason why he would be walking towards her right now.

"What do you want?" she asked him as he approach her. She gathered up all her strength when she realized how close he was to her. He was just looking at her with his captivating blue-green eyes. Oh how she missed those eyes. He wasn't saying anything thought, just staring. What is he looking at? Then she just realized that she hadn't managed to completely neaten her hair or scrubs. "Jackson?" He seemed to snap out of his trance and focused his eyes on hers.

"Is everything ok?" he asked which surprised April. He hadn't asked her that question in a long time. Why did he suddenly care? Did he notice the changes April was going though? Did he notice the light that was once in her eyes, now was almost nonexistent? April stared back at him unable to find an answer to that question. She knows she should say,"Yes I'm fine", but was she really? She didn't feel fine. She felt empty. Emptiness was something she has been feeling for quite some time now. Even Vik couldn't make that go away. Then frustration began to boil up in April. He hasn't been interested in how she was feeling for the past few months, so why should he now?

"Why would you ask that?" she asked him, clearly with anger in her voice. April can tell that he was taken aback with that question. He tried opening his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She now realized that he was well aware of the fact that he hasn't brother to care about her in those past few months. "Well? I don't have all day Jackson. I have things I need to do, so if you have something to say, say it." He sighed and looked down at the ground. Since when was making a conversation with me so hard to him? We use to be able to talk so easily. He then proceeded to look up and open his mouth, but then Maggie came.

"Jackson! There you are!" Maggie said while walking towards us. She was about to continue talking when she noticed the tension that lingered between the two of us. "Am I interrupting something?" she said while looking between Jackson and I.

"No, not at all. We were just finished." I said while still looking at Jackson. I turned to Maggie and smiled, "He's all yours." And with that I walked away not acknowleging Jackson calling after me.


End file.
